Elwing, Lemme Sing The 'Mama Bathtub Blues' | emerald's Blog

Ok, so if you're like me and many Moms, bath/shower time is a thorough, but quick innie/outtie job! The door is usually unlocked because a child or hubby is bound to bang on the door needing to use the toilet, or consult with you or a matter that CAN NOT wait 30 minutes! Or you might find yourself soak-n-wet, wrapped in a towel, dashing out to the living room to play referee on a fight the kids decided to now ensue!

But on a RARE occation, you MIGHT get the kids and/or hubby squared away... and sneak away for a blissful, hot, relaxation in the tub! Let me tell you about one of those last RARE occations. The following characters are factual as presented, although, I'll not guarentee the conversation!

I step into the hot water and slowly stretch out with a sigh. Shoulders and head rest against the back of the tub. Knees slightly bent, feet slide down the front of tub until tootsies barely peek above the lapping water. The tub/shower has dual glass doors. With a palmed hand, I close one door and my eyes with a simultanious AHHHHH!

THe water is doing it's job. My bones are melting, my skin inking bright pink, and... my brain is loosing lucidity. "Something" becons me to peep an eye open. I turn my head left, then right at my surroundings. HOW DID I MISS THIS?? Against the wall and side of the tub, Woody ( from Toy Story) stands with bowed legs and a permenant wave with his arm. Perhaps he is herding the array of stray farm animals lining the porcelain path--- pigs, cows, horses, a girraffe, and T-Rex!

Buzz Light Year stares smug and superiorly at "the Sherriff". A black Transformer glares beyond all this, at other metal beasts lining the backside of the tub--- hot wheels cars, trucks, and a few John Deer. I don't know if I'm at the Indy 500 or a Tractor Pull!

I'm grateful the left side of the tub has no space for toys, only the dual glass doors reside there. Then... I make the mistake of glancing up at the doors. A metal rack runs the length of one of the doors. A rack NOW holding ( I counted them!) 11 bent at the waist, drying out, naked barbie dolls! Oh, my Bad! TEN Barbies and ONE Ken! Or the generic equivalent of Ken! And Ken's head is turned to the Bratz Doll on his right! His smile looks a little large for my liking. Frowning, I reach up and straighten his head so he's staring at his feet. Honestly, Ken Equate! She might dress and act like a 25 year old, but I promise you she's jail bait! My eyes are playing tricks! I think his grin just turned into a grimace!

But I have no time to further ponder the situation. My ears are playing tricks, too! I hear a whispering behind me. " No, man! She aint like those plastic parts up there! She's the REAL DEAL!" Woody says in his Tom HAnk's voice, and chuckles at the joke.

Mr. Potato Head (why didn't I notice him before?) sighs, " I sure wish I could see it all for myself. The Boy decided my specs wouldn't fit with my eyes on too, which they won't, and guess which piece won out?!"

Transformer autotrons his head my way. "WOnder what revs her engine? Wonder if she digs heavy metal music? That's a MUST in my Babe Book!"

Woody replies sensibly, " Pal, I think she 'digs' the silence. She mumbles alot about the peace and quiet when she's in here."

"Know it all", Potato Head grumbles.

"BRown-noser," Buzz defends.

" What nose? The Boy lost that, too!" Potato cries in frustration.

" YEah, well too bad he didn't loose the LIPS!"

" He DID, dammit! These are MRS. Potato Head's! Quit picking on me, Buzz, before I kick your ass from Infinity and Beyond!" growls the Spud through pursed, red lips.

Buzz smirks, " You mean as soon as the Boy finds your feet?!"

" Oh, yeah," mumbles Potato.

HEY! Tone the conversation back down to a G-Rating, Boys! YOu're Disney animation, for crying out loud!" I huff.

"Well, actually, we're Disney Production, but Pixar animation. But hey, we're all adults around here. And I'd rate our content so far a PG- 13." Woody states.

" Smart ass," Spud chimes in.

"Well, my eldest is 11, thank you," I inform them.

Spud snorts," Geesh, I'm getting old! I have tater toots older than YOU!"

Buzz rolls eyes," Like said, all inhabitants of this area's atmosphere are adults."  (guess he forgot about Cleo de Bratz!)

I jerk around to meet my "space invaders". "YOu're NOT adults! You're *bleep* pieces of *bleep* plastic *long bleep* animation!"

"What'd she say?" Spud turns his one attatched ear towards Buzz. " I only caught HALF the conversation. THe Boy decided to loose THAT, too!"

"Stop your whining before I *bleep* *bleep* skin your  hide *bleep* ... *long bleep*!" I'm pretty sure the right ear just melded a pink puddle into the side of Spud's head.

Woody waves his raised  arm in a truce. " Hey, now, there...'s...." My icy glare stops him short. He drops arm, and hangs head. " I know. I need to just shut up. I'm just a *bleep* piece of *bleep* plastic, *long bleep* animation."

I pull the drain, stand, and jerk a towel from the counter.  "Smart ass!" I spout, climbing out and slamming the shower door shut.