emerald's Blog

LEARN (red neck definition): To educate or teach a task.

         Not to be confused with:

LEARN YOU A LESSON: Spanking rear for misbehaving!

We're at a crucial " learnin'" stage with the Boy right now. He's 5, and we're burnin the mid-night oil, so to speak, trying to prepare him for Kindergarten. This has become quite the 'learning experience' .... for ME!

This child has become obstinate in our learning coarses. I have twine strung in 2 layers across the kids' bunk beds with Alphabet and Number cards hanging in place by clothes pins! I was trying to be creative and fun, and prompt His interrest! So now, he can't (or refuses) to recite the entire alphabet by himself, but he knows what letters to take down and re-pin to spell CAT. He can't spell DOG, but he's nearly mastered TRUCK! Give me two days... I'll have him spelling CZECHOSLOVAKIA before he can spell DOG! 

He counts to 10, then gets bored! I can see it now: Boy comes in and says he's caught 10, and  5 more fish. If I ask him how many that totals, he will say... Uh, 10-5?!

Ma decided to be helpful by getting a childrens' talking and learning computer. Let me say here, I'm not trying to anger any of my friends in here from England... but at this time in my son's life, he needs to learn Missouri-American to better get along with his peers. NOt start with the British accent of the computer! It took four tries to spell LAMP, because I thought the female voice was saying NIGHT, KNIGHT, then LIGHT!!! I never knew LAMP and NIGHT could rhyme in sound! And that voice! OMG, have you ever seen the movie Resident Evil?! The computerized child that tries to take over the facility, causing the zombie virus catastrophe??!! That computerized child... IS THE SAME VOICE on my Boy's computer! I'm waiting to wake up from a nightmare of hearing: It's a Z-O-M-B-I-E! Run you bloody wankers, R-U-N!!!! 

Believe it or not, the Red Neck has become actively involved in teaching his Boy, too. One night, after I'd gone to bed, I hear the Red Neck get out paper and pen, and tell the Boy they were going to 'learn the ABC's'. I listen in enterest. And hear," ...L...M...O...P..."  I cock my head quickly. Something isn't right! So I intensely listen for them to start the recitation again. And I hear, "... L...M...O...P!..." I smack my forehead! Tomorrow I will have to teach the Boy the letter N !!! For now... tooo T-I-R-E-D!!!! 

Beyond the academic skills, we are also trying (mostly unsuccessfully) to encorporate proper social skills and class room decorum. Sit quietly during lessons, don't speak out of turn, don't jump up and leave your desk or the room without permission. Kicking, punching, or wrestling are unacceptable. So is scissor or pencil gouging! The restroom is where the toilet sits, NOT the backside of the slide! And for Pete's Sake, don't use vocabulary skills of Shithead, ass, and 'gotta go piss'!!!! 

Something tells me I will be called to the Principal's office the first week of school, and be informed: Take this Boy home and LEARN HIM A LESSON!!! 

So, the car we earlier committed the "snake-killing felony" in would be 'Her Car'--- aka My vehicle--- otherwise known as the 'family car' when everyone must fit together. Or 'emergency car'--- when His runs out of gas or breaks down! 

Ironically, His Vehicle--- His Truck--- is HIS--- At all times! 

Care and maintenance of said vehicles are noteworthy. Red Necks are wonderful "shade tree mechanics"! Unfortunately, they frequently rest as long as the tree provides the shade! THis results in the quickest, best (or not so best even) rigged way to get a vehicle charging back down the gravel road from Point A to Point B! 

This is how I aquired a 460 Air Conditioner in my car. That's 4 windows rolled down, while doing 60 mph!

Each time I reclaim my car (usually by the weekend), I cringe when opening the door. I know the floorboards (and seats) will be invisible to Mt. Dew bottles, snack wrappers, dry wall, mud clots, and tools for quick fixes. We won't even discuss the 75 pound doe that fit in the trunk, one year. Or the 5 bass fish that were accidently left in trunk for several days before the smell led us to the decayed creatures. No! THose stories send me OVER THE TOP! 

Now when I look into the rear view mirror, I see the ceiling interior drooping and flapping in the wind, instead of the cars behind me! THat would be the Boy's art work with a claw hammer while (un)supervised by R.N. Daddy! The rest of the ceiling damage is torn slits from said Daddy forcing his fishing poles into the back seat! 

I also tend to check my own vehicle fluids, especially in extreme weather conditions, because you can bet your sweet patoot He didn't! Obviously, it's cheaper (?) and easier to bolt in a new motor when you fry the old! Well, perhaps I am being a bit unfair! Last summer when the bugs piled on the windshield deep enough not to be able to see, He was kind enough to fill the Washeer Fluid Reserve for me..... with WATER! 

Our vehicles are always OVERDUE for oil changes. Last time, hubby was in the middle of a job that wouldn't "pay" for a few weeks, so I bought the oil and filters for BOTH vehicles. Two days later, guess WHOSE truck got the oil change? Guess WHOSE car went over 2 MONTHS??! Wonder how he'd feel if next time I paid his dad or brother 20.00 to change my car oil? Huh! He'd probably say He woulda done it if he'd known I would pay!  Effin Red Necks!

ET-- This is how a Red Neck consumes food! In past, present, and future! 

"I et a while ago"

"Have you et any of this deer jerky yet?"

"When we gonna et?"

*sighs* Somewhere out there is a mudded-up duley truck with a rebel flag in the window and a bumper sticker that says: Don't like my drivin? Call 1-800- ET-SHIT! --- Yeah, one digit shy of a REAL number. Trust me, it's appropriate!

On the possitive side, my family usually has a good stock of meat to "et" thanks to Red Necks being prime in hunting. Note I say "usually". The freezer is actually pretty empty right now of frozen goods, except for some NON-ettable meats! These would be WHOLE frozen ducks and fish awaiting their time for stuffing and mounting! Uggh! Indeed, if a "hunting season" doesn't come in soon, I think I will thaw out one of the mallards, sprinkle some herbs, fill him with cornbread, and have Duck and Dressing! Yes, it's a sad day when the family must eat your interior decorating to survive!

Family Day-- Oh, THERE'S a cruel, once a year outting! THis would be the family cruising through public access Conservation Land. Not to see the beauty of nature, but to see where the fences mark the boundaries between Government land and private property! A fence can make all the difference between free, frolicking wildlife, and captured game filling my freezer and walls! 

My 10 year old is quickly asleep in the back seat of the car. I'm making mental To-Do Lists... just to have something To Do!! At least the Boy and his father are entertained.

Pointing son: Deer!

Pointing Dad: Yeah! And Squirrel!

Son: Duck! 

Swervy-driving Dad: YEah!... Oh, Slickhead (nick-name for a snake), and I got 'im!

Let me mention here... we just commited a Felony for killing a copper head on the Government's grassy knoll that Hubby had to swerve onto in order to manuver a "brake and scoot" over the reptile's body with the tires! Did we get rid of the evidence?? No! We left the dead snake AND our tread marks for the conservation rangers! 

Fortunately, we didn't get caught or ticketed. I secretly suspect the Rangers are Red Necks, too!

Tawkin' : With Red Necks this is a one way conversation about their day or life. In my case, it's a detailed account of how many deer or turkey was spotted in a farmer's field. Or it might be a brag session about one of the hundreds of street or bar fights he's been in in the past... and ALWAYS won... not withstanding sucker- punched fights, of coarse. THe more than a dozen fractures in his hands are Memory Trophies. And NOW these glorified trophies shine in rememberance on rainy days in the form of Arthritis! I should ask him if he cried and pissed and moaned after a fight as much as he does at home when his hands stiffen up! 

Spousal arguements would put Shakespear to shame! The argument ends quickly with the Red Neck response: WHATEVER!---Infuriating! Insulting! What sort of intellectual  retort can you accomplish after THAT remark?? Really, someone tell me? Because I'm close to telling him: I'm Gonna Shove Your One Tooth Down Your Throat!

For their limmited language skills, I am reluctant to admit, I'm impressed how they can turn the 'F' Word into a verb, adjective, and noun... all in the SAME sentence! But I'm sure English majors cringe apon hearing: I Effin plowed effin so-n-so, man." Eff, eff, eff, .... " C'mon in here and Et some of this Effin deer jerky!" 

Et?? Yeah, I'll explain that one later.

Came across an old memo with a friend in here, the other day.

Friend: Are you doing anything fun this weekend?

Me: No, unfortunately. I'm permitted one outting per season. Squirrel Season's coming up, though.... so ya never know! 

The friend laughed. Too bad I wasn't joking! :O Well, mostly. YOu see, most of the time my spare time or days revolve around keeping up with my kids. On the rarest occation (season), I'm allowed out for a few hours of time for myself. But most of the times I have the kids because Hubby is out hunting or playing. 

After giving it some thought, I've concluded my Red Neck man has TWO seasons (compared to our Four): Fishing and Hunting. Right now Hunting Season  is riddled with Holidays! Not Halloween, THanksgiving, or X-Mas. No, I mean Deer, Rabbit, Squirrel, and Turkey! 

These "Holidays" last for weeks at a time.Right now it's bow-only hunting on deer. Soon it will be rifle hunting, lasting a few weeks, and then back to bow. Between this, squirrel and rabbit are fair game. But until the first REAL cold snap hits, Red Neck won't touch rabbits due to some parasite they carry that can make a person sick if they eat the infected bunny.

I'll have to give the Red Neck credit for knowledge on trivial matters on game life, like the above. If I'm ever stranded in the wild alone, maybe I'll remember some of the things he's taught. I also know now, that you don't want to kill (for food) old, tough squirrels. And the way you tell the young "tender" from the "tough" older adults is: THe bigger the nuts, the older he is! And I don't mean the ones gathered in his cheeks for storage! I snorted when Red NEck told me this! "Huh! Doc. uses much this same procedure to determine our male patients!!" 

I also now know little secrets to bring in deer and turkey. I won't reveal them here, but let's just say my future red neck son thought for 6 months that a turkey actually made the sound of a hoot owl! Confused? Yeah, imagine how I was until it dawned on me he was trying to immitate an old hunter's secret!

But even through all these helpful hints, tips, and secrets, I can't help but shake my head in amusement AND frustration over the MOST important weapon of hunting: CAMOFLAUGE!

Camo-- the hunter's secret weapon to remain undetected while they sneak in, and settle amongst animal territory. The hard-core camo wearer gears up from head to boots. They know the difference between Mossy Oak, Real Tree-hard wood green, and Real Tree- forrest floor! And then, as is state hunting law, they shrug on ..... a FLORESCENT orange vest and hat! (to keep from being mistakenly shot by other hunters!).

It's all sad and laughable, really. Hunters argue that deer are color blind, and can't see the orange. Ok, so WHY the camo to hide the body then??!! Why?? Because some sales genious decided to take advantage of lower-than-average thinking and reasoning skills, and has reaped the benifits from camo- frinzied consumers! " Look like a warrior! Act like a warrior! And Shoot unarmed prey!" Oh, this propaganda WORKS, believe me! My red neck has a hall closet and "hunting room" to prove it!

Ironically, last year one of the biggest does brought in from the woods during a group hunt and camp in our area, was done by a Woman... wearing blue jeans and a sweat shirt! Huh, think Old Navy will give her a call for "promotional sales"?! They should! Take that, Real Tree! 

Ok, so if you're like me and many Moms, bath/shower time is a thorough, but quick innie/outtie job! The door is usually unlocked because a child or hubby is bound to bang on the door needing to use the toilet, or consult with you or a matter that CAN NOT wait 30 minutes! Or you might find yourself soak-n-wet, wrapped in a towel, dashing out to the living room to play referee on a fight the kids decided to now ensue!

But on a RARE occation, you MIGHT get the kids and/or hubby squared away... and sneak away for a blissful, hot, relaxation in the tub! Let me tell you about one of those last RARE occations. The following characters are factual as presented, although, I'll not guarentee the conversation!

I step into the hot water and slowly stretch out with a sigh. Shoulders and head rest against the back of the tub. Knees slightly bent, feet slide down the front of tub until tootsies barely peek above the lapping water. The tub/shower has dual glass doors. With a palmed hand, I close one door and my eyes with a simultanious AHHHHH!

THe water is doing it's job. My bones are melting, my skin inking bright pink, and... my brain is loosing lucidity. "Something" becons me to peep an eye open. I turn my head left, then right at my surroundings. HOW DID I MISS THIS?? Against the wall and side of the tub, Woody ( from Toy Story) stands with bowed legs and a permenant wave with his arm. Perhaps he is herding the array of stray farm animals lining the porcelain path--- pigs, cows, horses, a girraffe, and T-Rex!

Buzz Light Year stares smug and superiorly at "the Sherriff". A black Transformer glares beyond all this, at other metal beasts lining the backside of the tub--- hot wheels cars, trucks, and a few John Deer. I don't know if I'm at the Indy 500 or a Tractor Pull!

I'm grateful the left side of the tub has no space for toys, only the dual glass doors reside there. Then... I make the mistake of glancing up at the doors. A metal rack runs the length of one of the doors. A rack NOW holding ( I counted them!) 11 bent at the waist, drying out, naked barbie dolls! Oh, my Bad! TEN Barbies and ONE Ken! Or the generic equivalent of Ken! And Ken's head is turned to the Bratz Doll on his right! His smile looks a little large for my liking. Frowning, I reach up and straighten his head so he's staring at his feet. Honestly, Ken Equate! She might dress and act like a 25 year old, but I promise you she's jail bait! My eyes are playing tricks! I think his grin just turned into a grimace!

But I have no time to further ponder the situation. My ears are playing tricks, too! I hear a whispering behind me. " No, man! She aint like those plastic parts up there! She's the REAL DEAL!" Woody says in his Tom HAnk's voice, and chuckles at the joke.

Mr. Potato Head (why didn't I notice him before?) sighs, " I sure wish I could see it all for myself. The Boy decided my specs wouldn't fit with my eyes on too, which they won't, and guess which piece won out?!"

Transformer autotrons his head my way. "WOnder what revs her engine? Wonder if she digs heavy metal music? That's a MUST in my Babe Book!"

Woody replies sensibly, " Pal, I think she 'digs' the silence. She mumbles alot about the peace and quiet when she's in here."

"Know it all", Potato Head grumbles.

"BRown-noser," Buzz defends.

" What nose? The Boy lost that, too!" Potato cries in frustration.

" YEah, well too bad he didn't loose the LIPS!"

" He DID, dammit! These are MRS. Potato Head's! Quit picking on me, Buzz, before I kick your ass from Infinity and Beyond!" growls the Spud through pursed, red lips.

Buzz smirks, " You mean as soon as the Boy finds your feet?!"

" Oh, yeah," mumbles Potato.

HEY! Tone the conversation back down to a G-Rating, Boys! YOu're Disney animation, for crying out loud!" I huff.

"Well, actually, we're Disney Production, but Pixar animation. But hey, we're all adults around here. And I'd rate our content so far a PG- 13." Woody states.

" Smart ass," Spud chimes in.

"Well, my eldest is 11, thank you," I inform them.

Spud snorts," Geesh, I'm getting old! I have tater toots older than YOU!"

Buzz rolls eyes," Like said, all inhabitants of this area's atmosphere are adults."  (guess he forgot about Cleo de Bratz!)

I jerk around to meet my "space invaders". "YOu're NOT adults! You're *bleep* pieces of *bleep* plastic *long bleep* animation!"

"What'd she say?" Spud turns his one attatched ear towards Buzz. " I only caught HALF the conversation. THe Boy decided to loose THAT, too!"

"Stop your whining before I *bleep* *bleep* skin your  hide *bleep* ... *long bleep*!" I'm pretty sure the right ear just melded a pink puddle into the side of Spud's head.

Woody waves his raised  arm in a truce. " Hey, now, there...'s...." My icy glare stops him short. He drops arm, and hangs head. " I know. I need to just shut up. I'm just a *bleep* piece of *bleep* plastic, *long bleep* animation."

I pull the drain, stand, and jerk a towel from the counter.  "Smart ass!" I spout, climbing out and slamming the shower door shut.

Ahhh. The consumers of a medical office. Like any public service, these guys can make you or break you! They do a bit of both here actually. In my 4 yrs. with my little family practice office, I've come to realize there are numerous "kinds" of patients. I'll probably do a blog on each.

Today... The Computer Consultant.

Need I say more? This person Googles their symptoms, and sees the Doctor a week later to tell HIM what their diagnosis is! Now don't get me wrong. The computer is great help to a degree. Especially in going further into research of a diagnosis you may already have. You can get 2 hours of computer info v.s. 15 minutes of Doctor time and info.

But let me tell you a few reasons you should still see a "live" doctor.

1. You only give the symptoms you notice, or perceive. A Doctor may "see" physical symptoms your computer won't! Did you realize your skin was yellow?(jaundice. or liver probs.) Did you realize your eyes were dilated? Did you know your hand shakes when held up for a blood pressure reading?  Your computer definately didn't see it. These could be more clues to the actual problem. A great example is diagnosing Stroke v.s. Bell's Palsy. when you jotted down your symptoms did you tell if you could pucker up and whistle (or try to)? Probably you didn't. However, this is one of the clues in seperating these 2 diagnosies!!

2. The computer is going to give you a list of "possible " diag. One post-menopausal patient decided to come to the doctor cause her computer couldn't decide if she had the Flu, PREGNANT, or 2 other options!! Even I was smart enough to know she wasn't PREGNANT! Ahhhhh! But her computer didn't ask medical HISTORY! Another caution.

3. Let THE DOCTOR DO HIS JOB! You are the Patient-- NOT the Doctor! Granted, you probably know better than even the Doctor on how your body feels, acts, and reacts. But that doesn't make you expert on finding the solution to your problem. AND... even if the Doctor agrees with your computer by chance, let me see your hardware write you a script! (legitimately). Or order tests or bloodwork.

4. Doctors are offended by anyone with the audacity to think hardware can be smarter than them! I realize this is more than likely an ego trip, but it's there none the less.  If you discredit the Doctor bad enough, he may just tell you to find another doctor! Or, let your computer care for your needs!

Yes, puters are handy and helpful, even in your treatment and care! But they can also be abused and hinder one from proper care if not careful!

Back in our little family practice office... Besides the Doctor, there are 3 other employees.

The receptionist. My mother. Fiery little red-head, quick to laugh, joke, and run her mouth too loud and long. (now you know where I get it from! lol). And she's even quicker to anger if provoked. Yet she is the most revered and most feared of all the staff (including the doc.). She is your best friend or worse enemy! Patients can't get enough of her! lol. She's also office manager and billing personel. I'm soooo proud of her!!

The nurse. Harder to describe. She's fantastic with procedure, and guesses what the doc needs or wants before HE does!! She's great with little children and elderly. She pretty much dislikes everyone else inbetween!! lol. She's also a hound dog when it comes to sniffing out drug seekers, drunks, and inconsistancies in the charts or people's prescribed meds. I like and respect this woman for what she's taught me, and for taking me in.

Me. The jack of all trades. I was hired to give EKG's, PFT's, ultra sounds, breathing treatments,ect. Next thing I know, they find out I can do vitals, and I'm doing nurse work-ups! Then I'm taught the receptionist's job for days mom might be absent. Then I'm assisting procedures--BLAH! And there you have it.

Sometimes it is true : big works come in small packages.

Next blog : The Patients

I work in a family practice office. I pretty much like my job. Every day has a new experience or story. So... I'm gonna start with the Big Diggie-- Boss Man-- Paycheck Deliverer-- The Doctor.

This is a 73 yr. old active man that 3 yrs. ago drove himself home from the golf coarse after "feeling a heart attack coming on"! Needless to say, the triple bi-pass didn't slow him down. We're still seeing an average of 20-35 patients a day. NOTE: Doctors don't retire, they expire!!

He's always sharing trivial tidbits throughout the day, and the following is one of his most recent. See, one day at noon break, the doctor noticed our nurse sauntering slowly down the hall. " B. I think it's time we give you a B 12 shot for some energy." I had to put in my 2 cents worth," Naw, let's give her a coffee enema! That'll "perk" her right up!" By this time the doctor had traveled to the kitchen for a jelly-filled donut, and was back up to chat. " We could give her a fecal enema." The doctor says between mouthfuls. I WON't ask. I WON't ask. I ASKED! "What exactly is that?" The doctor licks the jelly indulgently. " That's where you take healthy feces from a healthy subject, and administer it in enema form to an un-healthy person. The theory is: healthy crap has bacteria in it our bodies need-- even for energy. " He shrugs, " Coarse, you can't do that now days with the Hep C, HIV, and dozen other diseases. A doctor would be sued in a heartbeat." He gulps down the last bite, and grins impishly," I can see me on the stand before the judge! 'But Your Honor! I only used sterile sh*t!!"

bog;  log;  glob;  lob;  go; ol';

gob;  lo;.... hmmmm, who knew the possibilities

w/ such a small word!! Umm, did I miss any??